Abstinence in the news [click here]...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Benefits of Abstinence

1. More self respect and more respect for each other.

2. Security that you're not being pursued for sexual reasons.

3. Greater chance of faithfulness in marriage, and trust in your partner's ability to control him/herself with other people.

4. Chance to develop more depth in relationships.

5. Less worries regarding pregnancy, birth control, STD's, emotional betrayal, etc.

6. Peace of mind and joy in the knowledge that you are obedient to God in this area of your life.
7. Better sex when you are married. Although premarital abstinence doesn't guarantee a great sex life, it certainly can start things off without baggage from past relationships. People who have had sex with multiple parnters have numbed themselves to the connection it gives to the partner. This is relative based on the number of partners and the emotional bond of the relationship at the time. Many people need to work on reconnecting their sex life to their emotions once they are in a marriage relationship because it has been damaged by past promiscuity.
8. Stronger marriage. Statistically it has been proven that marriages between people who have practiced abstinence have a lower divorce rate. Sex is not the foundation of the marriage although it is a very essential part of the bond between husband and wife. Avoid choosing your mate based on their sexual performance over other characteristics such as shared values, goals and companionship.
9. Freedom from memories of past sexual partners. All of the forgiveness in God's kingdom doesn't erase memories. Suppose you are sexually active, and do find the love of your life, and they are your soulmate, but they are not the best sex you've ever had. If you had nothing to compare them to, they would be the best sex you've ever had because they would be the ONLY sex you've ever had. Many people can work on sexual techniques and improve their sex life over years of marriage. Premarital abstinence will also spare your spouse of insecurities based on wondering if you are really satisfied with them sexually. These insecurities over time can erode a marriage. Also, a partner who finds him/herself frequently remembering past partners who may have been better in bed can cause guilt or conflicting emotions which will erode a marriage.

 

These Celebrities Committed to Pre-marital Abstinence

Much of this information was taken from the Feb. 2000 issue of US magazine, page 46.

Lisa Kudrow

Known primarily for her role as "Pheobe" on the TV sitcom Friends, Lisa has also been in feature films including "Analyze This", and "Hanging Up". Lisa chose to remain a virgin until she got married, and considered her virginity to be a precious gift. You can read the article which discusses this through the link below.

AGE: Married at 31

Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson first broke through the Top 40 charts with her hit single "I Wanna Love You Forever". Her voice is beyond her years. She speaks openly about abstinence and encourages her fans to follow God's plan for their lives. Jessica is now married.

Leelee Sobieski

She has been known for her roles in the movies Deep Impact, Never Been Kissed, and also for playing Joan of Arc in a CBS TV miniseries in 1999.

Jonathan Jackson

Jonathan was first known for his role as Lucky on General Hospital.

A.C. Green

A.C. Green is a forward for the L.A. Lakers. He speaks often at schools and believes so strongly in abstinence, he has established the A.C. Green Foundation to promote abstinence education among kids & teens.

The following celebrities are discussed at www.reapteam.org where they give the source info and more detail on their commitment to abstinence...

Rene Russo - actress Kim Alexis - supermodel Malik Yoba - actor Brett Butler - former L.A. Dodger Lakita Garth - Miss Black California 1995 Read more about these celebrities and others at www.reapteam.org

If there is another celebrity you know of who has spoken about choosing abstinence before marriage, please email me and let me know. Thank you.

 

Abstinence Chat Information

Please join our community at MSN Communities:

CLICK HERE

Otherwise, if you just want to meet someone else who has committed to sexual purity, check the guestbook for those who would like to correspond.

Food for Thought

Imagine what the world would be like if no one EVER had sex outside of marriage.

What would be different? It would possibly eliminate the following:

• -Teen/crisis pregnancy [single mothers, juvenile delinquents*, families on welfare, abortion, loss of future plans or desires, emotional stress, broken hearts]
• -Extra-marital affairs [divorce, children losing a home with 2 parents, emotional trauma]
• -Rape [except the cases of rape between husband and wife]
• -Pornography [the actors wouldn't do the act in order to make the movie, it weakens marriages]
• -Incest
• -STD's [if everyone only ever has one partner, there's nothing to catch.]

Think of how different the world would be without all of these things. No one could possibly measure the effects of the things listed above, especially the secondary effects. The Lord's commands are meant to help us. The more we can follow them, the better it is for us. And even if this cannot be achieved on a global scale, at least you can try to make your life as free of these things as possible.

*70% of all juveniles in state reform institutions come from fatherless homes.

"But we're getting married..."

Well, that's great! All the more reason you need to prove to your future spouse that you have self control. If you decide that you don't need to wait until you are married to have sex with the love of your life, you have just proven to them that you are willing to have sex with someone that you are not married to. And they have proven the same to you.

[This is a letter my husband wrote to give out to Jr. High and High School girls at a Love Can Wait rally before we were married.]

Hello,

I was asked to write a letter about my view on abstinence. I have an interesting point of view in that I have been in relationships in college where sex was involved, but now have been in a long term abstinent relationship. I am here to tell you that it is totally possible and is a good thing.

In my past relationships sex often ended up being sort of a crutch in that it took the place of me emotionally getting involved. You see, it is easier to fulfill ones physical needs than emotional needs. God has designed us to have both needs, and by placing physical needs in front of the emotional needs, you are setting yourself up for a weak and shallow relationship. Sex WILL NOT make your relationship better if there is not nurturing taking place on a deeper level. Don't believe that it will.

When I met my girlfriend she made it known that she had not had sex with anyone and was waiting until she was married. I respected that and thought she was unique in that I had only known a few women who had waited to have sex until marriage. However, I believe my reaction was not the norm. Don't be surprised that non-Christian males will think you to be uptight, repressed, not cool, and a goody goody. They feel like that because one, they cannot understand your relationship with God, and two, they want to have sex. I want you to know that I have more respect for Ellen than any other woman I have ever dated. Period! She is a godly woman, and you young girls need to know that it is honorable and right to be abstinent. If a guy cannot accept that, then he is ultimately putting his own desires in front of yours. That shows a lack of respect for you and is evidence of his selfishness.

Now lets assume that you DO feel like you are getting the emotional depth out of the relationship and you both are wanting to become physically involved. In fact, some of you may fall in love in high school and have long serious relationships. Don't be surprised if you find yourself having an internal struggle even though you have been brought up in a Christian environment. My advice would be to admit to yourself and to God that you are feeling this way. Repent and ask God to help you have more faith in his word and a desire to follow. Society's advice would have you believe that if you are both consenting adults and are in love, there is nothing wrong with having sex. Well most of society hasn't accepted their need for Jesus and isn't in step with his plan for our lives. Of course they don't have a problem with premarital sex.

I know that most of you are probably somewhat educated as to the dangers with premarital sex and multiple partners. AIDS, STD, abortion, etc. As one who has been on the other side of this topic, none of those things are truly effective in persuading one to wait. In fact, I think that even having a desire to wait is not enough. When the physical desires are going strong and you find yourself in a situation with your partner, stats about the rise of AIDS among heterosexuals and all that don't mean a thing. Trust me. If you are serious about your belief that you should wait, start praying about it NOW. Ask God to shield you and to keep you out of situations and relationships where you may fall. It is in God's word that he desires us to be pure so you can count on his strength to help you.

Our relationship was not always as solid and prayerful as it is now, we didn't used to be able to handle things as well as we do now. But over time the Lord has put his hand in this and redeemed it. This is the best relationship I have ever had. Does that mean we still don't have those desires? No. God doesn't just turn off your hormones, but he will change your heart and help you keep HIM your focus instead of what you think you deserve.

I would like to caution you against something that you may run into with guys. Lots of guys will try and rationalize that you can do all the other stuff besides intercourse and that is o.k. To me, that is evidence that you aren't really trying to follow God's will. What you are trying to do is play with the law and tip toe around it. It won't work. Besides, you are only setting yourself up to possibly go a little farther each time. The best thing you can do is to pray with your boyfriend. The two of you need to come together and be like minded about this or there will be tension. By the two of you praying together, you are strengthening your relationship with one another and with God. It is a three way relationship.

Ellen and I are committed to lifting up our physical relationship to God and asking him to keep it right. He has!!! There is NO WAY I could do this if we both weren't committed. If you had told me four years ago that I would be in a relationship and not be having sex, I would have thought you were crazy. All things are truly possible with God and he can change anyone's heart, anytime, anywhere. I would encourage you young women to hold tight to God's plan, and know that in the end, the relationship will be stronger and more solidified by waiting and you will have peace knowing you are trusting in the Lord.

Sincerely,

Kurt

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6

Need some advice or just some support?

You have a few options.

1. First of all there are several people in the guestbook and archives 1 [oldest] 2 3 4 5 or 6 [newest] who have expressed the desire to correspond with others. They would be happy to write back to you. Just click on the little asterisk [some call it a flower] person's name you'd like to email. Keep in mind these are random people from all over the planet. I can't take responsibility for anything they say.

2. OR, you can join the Abstinence Chat Group. As of 4/26/2002, there are about 100 members from all over the world, and they usually have some pretty good advice for each other.

3. You can also see highlights from letters we've received at the Abstinence Q & A page. This has a LOT of good insight from people who have helped me answer these letters, and we may have already answered your question. If you write a letter and do not want us to potentially use part of your letter on the Q&A page, all you need to do is say so. [All names, cities etc. are removed to protect people's identities.]

Are you afraid it's too late for you?

Have you ever heard of "secondary virginity"? This is for those who have a sexual past, but they want to commit to sexual purity from this day on until they are married. Secondary virginity is a term some people use for those who have re-committed to abstinence in their lives. Although some people reject this term, what ever you may call it, the Lord's restoration is very real, and although the memories of your sexual past may not be erased, you can experience healing and renewal if you commit your way to the Lord and allow Him to be the center of your life. Even ex-prostitutes can experience renewal, so know that IT IS NEVER TOO LATE FOR YOU. Check out what the Bible says about forgiveness.

"I MADE A MISTAKE!"

 

Q: "...[I've] always considered myself a faithful Christian until now. Last night a guy whom I've been dating for quite a while had sex with me. It was my first time. I did it because I thought if I didn't I would disappoint him and that I was leading him on. Now I'm confused. I feel like I've sinned and I feel dirty that I'm no longer a virgin. I know God loves me and I want to keep his commandments. Is premarital sex a sin? Does God forgive it? I feel terrible."

A: "I can imagine that there must be so many emotions linked to what you're going through. First of all is the impact of having sex for the first time, then the guilt with your spiritual convictions, and then the emotions toward your boyfriend. I'm going to just be very honest with you and try to answer your questions.

Premarital sex is a sin. So is jealousy in your heart, so is lying, so is murder, so is homosexual sex. They all grieve the Lord. He forgives them all equally. All sin is equal, but the consequences are not. So, know that you are forgiven and that God loves you so much. He also understands that you have confusion and weakness. But your sin does grieve Him.

If your boyfriend is a Christian, he should have a moral struggle with what you are doing and you should discuss it with him. If he's not a Christian, you shouldn't be dating him, and that is scriptural [you shall not be unequally yoked]. Regardless of his spiritual standing, if he really loves you, he would want you to be honest with him about your feelings. You really have to tell him honestly what you feel, that you don't want to do it again. If he doesn't really love you, and if what you thought was true [that you would lose him if you didn't do it] then he certainly is NOT worth going against your convictions for. He doesn't even deserve to take you to the movies much less have sex with you if that's what it takes to keep him.

I know what it's like to wonder if you've lead someone on, or if you have been a tease. But you need to weigh the 2 offenses, which is worse, having sex outside of marriage which directly disobeys the Lord's commands, or being a tease? I'll let you in on something I didn't learn until I was in my 20's. Most guys who want to have sex with you act like you lead them on, even if you didn't. Many guys perceive things differently than you intended and may genuinely think you did, others may just say it to try to manipulate you. Either way, it's not your responsibility to give them what they expect. It really isn't your obligation, and anyone who makes you think it is, is just thinking of himself which should make you certain that you don't owe him a thing.

What it comes down to is this: You need to fear God more than you fear man. I'm sure you've heard the expression 'fear God' and it doesn't mean you're afraid of God, but that you care more about what He thinks than ANYONE else. Does that make sense? If you really fear God, then no matter what anyone says to you, if it doesn't go along with God's commands, you will NOT compromise in order to keep them happy, no matter how angry they get. Have faith that as long as you are obedient to the Lord, then He will take care of everything else. It looks like this is a defining moment in your life. The sooner you come to the Lord with this, the sooner you commit your way to Him and choose to walk in obedience, the better off you will be. It may seem difficult at first, but I'd bet my life savings you'd never regret it. I can honestly say, I've never regretted NOT having sex. You've had it once and sounds like you regret it. You don't have to do it again. There is such a thing as secondary virginity and that is when you make a commitment from this day forward that you will wait to have sex until you are married. You made a mistake, it's not the end of the world, or the end of your relationship with the Lord.

As far as scripture, I suggest you just start reading in your Bible. The Lord will direct you to what you need, even if it may not seem like it applies. You could start with the gospels or Psalms. Know that the Lord is able to give you a way through this situation that you can bear. He will give you what you need to be obedient to Him. "

"I made this commitment April 18, 1994 when I was 13 years old, and I thank God for the strength He has given me these past four years."

 

"I am not proud of the fact that I don't even recall the name of the person with whom I first had sex. I don't even know why I did it other than I guess society at that time expected that one would give up their virginity by a certain age. As I have grown older I have learned to appreciate the holiness of matrimony and the wonderful gift God has given us. Those who go to the marriage bed having given up the precious gift can never fully appreciate what it would have been like if they had waited."

"HOW DO YOU HOLD TO YOUR COMMITMENT?"

 

Q: "I guess I am writing because I am concerned about my own relationship that has a few years of history. We met in college four years ago and have been dating for almost three of those years. We were sexually involved from the very beginning and are now making the decision to marry. We are ...not having intercourse, but are struggling with everything that leads up to it. I read your letter and appreciated it dearly, especially what he had to say about all of the "other stuff" that leads up to sex. I know you had your own personal struggles, but it sounded really easy from your point of view - that it just takes a commitment from both partners to abide by God's commandments, and a relationship can be successful without the sexual involvement. How did you come to make that commitment and hold to it?"

A: "I can totally relate to the struggles you and your boyfriend are having... The struggles that I had weren't new to me. What was new was that for once I was trying to not go that route. I was fairly promiscuous throughout high school and college. Not exactly sleeping around... but a lot of other junk. In fact it was real easy for me to sort of jump right into that and consequently, most of my relationships were shallow. At that point in my life I didn't really care though so I was content. Then along came my wife and I knew she was different and I also knew my slant towards quickly being promiscuous was part of my "flesh" side. So....I tried extra hard to not do anything. And it worked..for a while... We could have avoided those situations where we put ourselves in vulnerable positions. You know how a back rub leads to something that leads to something etc. The point is we just don't happen into compromising situations. You and your boyfriend need to acknowledge the steps that lead up to situations you believe in your heart you should not be in. He knows exactly what gets you going and you know just how to push his buttons. You guys have been together long enough that you know those things. So...from that point of view, you know what NOT to do. That's good! Half the battle is knowing what to avoid.

...God really worked on my life in a powerful way and allowed me to see my sinfulness and my rebellion in light of his holiness and his plan for mankind's life. I really wanted to live my life according to God's plan, not my own. So, we acknowledged that it wasn't good for us to dabble in the physical stuff and we should try to stay pure. Did we? Well sometimes and sometimes not. But, as time went on it got better. And we prayed, and prayed, and together we lifted our physical relationship up to God and said, "it is yours. Please take this from us, we want to honor you." But you know what I think was one of the greatest things? We would repent!! Together!! ...Sometimes in moments that could have been compromising, one of us would say we are hearing that voice in our head. That voice that we would try to ignore but shouldn't. So... we would pray and confess and ask for forgiveness. You know we would feel kind of bad asking for forgiveness again for something that we had confessed maybe just a week earlier. The great thing about the gospel is that the Lord's grace is greater that all our transgressions. It is as far as the east is from the west!! Deeper than the ocean. The hardest thing is to "Boldly" approach the throne of grace (as scripture says we can) when you feel like surely God doesn't want to hear this one again! Right? Well that's what the enemy wants us to believe but it is a lie. If you can learn to confess with your boyfriend than that is a great start. And don't be afraid if the two of you find yourself often confessing and repenting the same things. He is faithful. He can redeem your situation. You have to let Him do it and not rely on your own will. Yes... the two of you can certainly take steps to avoid things, but hand it over to Jesus. He is much better equipped :) Just a few more things about how we stayed on track. Honestly, we got the point where even if physically my body was saying yes, I couldn't enjoy it because I knew it wasn't right. The holy spirit will convict you at that moment if you don't shut out the voice. One thing you can do in those situations is tell your boyfriend that it's not that you don't WANT to do x, y, and z. In fact you would love for that to happen but it just isn't time...yet. And sounds like you two are planning to tie the knot so you're on your way.

Eventually things leveled out with us... Where you are at right now, you don't NEED the physical stuff to have a great relationship. If you think about it, all that stuff is quantitatively a small portion of your relationship. So get the other nonphysical stuff happening first. I don't know if you and your boyfriend pray together but that has an immeasurable impact. Trust me, if the two of you know you are going to pray later that night, you'll probably be less inclined to make a poor decision. That's kind of how it was for us. What is really important is that the two of you need to be on the same page with this. There will be times when you will be the strong one, and times when he will be. Those odds are way better than you trying to control this on your own... If I had to put it in a nutshell it would be this. Pray TOGETHER. Admit/confess TOGETHER. Stand firm in the Lord's grace. It is all we really have to hang onto anyway. We don't bring anything to the table in terms of our own merit. Thank the Lord that he has spared the two of you from going any further. You'll be happy you didn't. If your boyfriend's past is anything like mine, he will have to deal with that on his end and that will greatly affect your success in this area."

 

"I only wish I had seen your website years before I married. My husband and I are both Christians, we experienced pre-marital sex. It truly eroded the trust and respect we had for each other. Although we love each other, and have been together now for almost 20 years, they have been rocky, with much distrust, and arguments. I know in hindsight that the simple fact that we chose not to wait is the cause of some of the problems in our marriage."

 

"HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?"

Q: "I am a male who is being raised in a good Christian-valued home. I am committed to sexual abstinence and want to remain abstinent till I am married, but I have one question: How far is too far? Is french-kissing bad? I am so confused..."

A: "I'm glad that you have the courage to seek advice on this very difficult subject, and asking "how far is too far" on the front end of sexual curiosity is very wise. This is a difficult question mainly because we don't have it spelled out for us in layman's terms in the Bible. I will try to answer your queries as best as I know how based on the few clues the Bible does give us and from my own personal experience and prayerful concerns on this very same issue.

First, and always first, we must look at what scripture says:

"Therefore I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not confirm any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is ­ his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

Here we're told that, as an act of worship, we need to offer our bodies to the Lord. PLEASE do not read this legalistically!!! What Paul wants us to understand here is that when we say YES to the Lord and claim that the gospel is true, there will be a transformation in us from the inside out!! So it's not about keeping rules and regulations - a sexual do and don't list - but that if we are truly changed on the inside - it will be our desire (not duty) to do that which is pleasing to God. And the Lord says to offer our bodies as living sacrifices.

But you're still saying "How far is too far?" Well, I personally believe that we should avoid sexual contact that puts us in compromising positions. It's probably best to keep your hands from wandering too much, as it's not only your body that needs to remain pure - but we're also told to not lead others to stumble. You ask about French kissing? I don't see that as a problem. The Lord made us sexual beings and we must always rejoice in that. If you read the Song of Solomon the man and his maiden are completely immersed in their love relationship. The key is that we were made to enjoy sexual conduct is a specific context! But kissing can be done passionately and lovingly without putting our bodies in compromising positions... though, it's an attitude of the heart. Are you kissing a girl you're really interested in? Does she know you respect her? Can you handle just kissing?

Some people have an easier time resisting sexual urges than others. If you strongly feel those urges, it is best to deal with them than to just push them back because they're wrong! They are not wrong. The Lord made you to feel these things - the key is to feel them and deal with them with God. Sin slips in when are passions become our masters - and often times this happens when we're too afraid to go before God with the things we struggle with. Over and over again I've seen young adults decide they are going to remain completely pure sexually. Well, in that blanket statement self-righteousness often slips in and after a while- because their commitment was not from the heart, but merely a rule - they slip up and just give in to full sexual conduct saying "it's just too hard to stay pure everyone around me is having sex. it's not natural". Our commitment has to be to God and not a rule! Especially in this area because it will get harder and harder to resist temptation as you get older. In many ways it can be too hard - and we fail when we rely on our own strengths to pull us through. I've had periods in my life where I've had to pray for God's grace daily in these areas. "Lord give me your grace to resist this thing in my life - for today" And if your true desire is to be pure and righteous before God - he will honor that. Even if you screw up - he will still honor your hearts desire to be pure and righteous.

Is this a long answer to a fairly simple question? I guess the question isn't so simple. I remember when I was your age I had the exact same questions that I wanted answered. Sometimes I'd get point blank answers, sometimes not. As I've entered adulthood though, I've realized that this issue is one that we need to individually take before the Lord and struggle with integrity. Always remember that it was God who made us to feel and desire and love. You must first thank him for making you sensitive to the area's of love and passion and then ask him to show you how to deal with the urges and drives that are starting to present themselves in your life. He will be faithful.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable ­ if anything is excellent or praiseworthy ­ think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4:4-8"

 

"I am an 18/f who is trying to develop my relationship with god, and I see its stated plainly in the Bible that FORNICATION is a sin... and that is sex out of marriage... So I am determined to wait until marriage... But oh my GOSH there are SO FEW teens that agree with my views! My best friend... agrees with me though.... she is the only person I know that wants to wait until marriage with me. I mean, just look at the media and movies! sex is glorified so openly! In or out of marriage! I mean, millions of young girls who are in love with the movie, titanic, probably idolize jack and rose... and just look- they had sex, so they probably think its ok too... I mean, I was in a chat room earlier and some 13 and 12 year old girls were talking about how they wanted to have sex and were asking questions... I tried to explain about waiting till marriage, but everyone just laughs at me....I just wish that more teens would share my beliefs... I am really sad and feeling alone in my views... But I feel happy inside that I am doing what god wants me to."

 

"WHAT ABOUT SEX EDUCATION?"

Q: "...how do you feel about sex education programs that teach birth control information and STD prevention but also teach abstinence?"

A: "I do think that regardless of what education is being given in the schools, the media and entertainment industry are sending signals that will forever conflict with sexual discipline. The sexuality that is broadcast in movies, TV, magazines, song lyrics, etc. is far more prevalent than what kids have dealt with in generations past, and I can't believe that it doesn't somehow affect them. How can we expect kids to not struggle with self control when they have the message of sex sent to their brains everywhere they turn? I'm not saying that excuses promiscuity, but it sure makes the whole battle more difficult.

As for the programs that teach all the things you mentioned, I feel that the sad part is, there is no real focus on the emotional impact of sex... I care more about teens keeping themselves pure so they can have stronger marriage relationships in the future.... the divorce rate among couples who waited to have sex until marriage is much lower...

The fact is, teenagers who have sex suffer from the emotional ramifications of being too intimate with someone who's only temporarily in their life. I get letters from teenage girls who don't want to have sex but believe they must in order to keep their boyfriends. That insecurity saddens me deeply. No amount of birth control can prevent emotional betrayal and hurt."

 

 

"DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE SAME WAY?"

Q: "This year alone, I found out that a cousin was pregnant. Aside from that I learned several other things... Most of the people I graduated from grade school with are no longer virgins.... A friend has had an abortion.

...I feel overwhelmed, not because I feel pressure to have sex. I do not feel that I have to have sex. However I do have to ask myself this: "What the heck is going on today???"

I want to remain abstinent until marriage for several reasons. First of all, the veil and white color of my bridal dress and had better mean something. I also prefer that whoever I marry is also a virgin; I guess that's asking a bit too much these days, but it's my preference. Secondly, I have been taught that sex is something that is good, but is good only when done in a committed relationship. The only real commitment that can be found in a relationship, I believe, is that which is found in marriage. (And these days, it seems that the vows are taken so casually and said so glibly...but that is a whole different letter.)

As my English teacher said today, "If a guy asks you for sex, ask for a wedding ring."

Anyway, it really does frighten me how many people take sex so casually. I can't believe that certain people believe that sex always equals true love forever, because I've seen that it doesn't end that way 99.9% of the time...Please let me know that I'm not alone in this whole abstinence thing. I mean it would be very comforting to know for sure that there are still many virgin teenagers out there who share the same thoughts as I do"

[2 of us responded to this one]

A1: "I too believe sex is wrong before marriage... you must stand firm on this.

This is what I've seen with my friends: many of them too wanted to wait until they got married.... well, I live in a pretty artistic town with people that are pursuing their dreams, careers, etc. and just not getting married as early as they use to. But the sexual temptations escalate - and it's very easy to start "settling" or making excuses for activity that I believe we all know in our gut is not right before marriage. And before it's even realized a friend will come to me saying she had sex (just once) with so-n-so.... Well, if that happens when you're 19 or 20 yrs. old.... and you don't get married until you're 28 - think of all the so-n-so's along the way. It's really heartbreaking to watch girls - who at one time were dedicated to remain virgins until marriage - having slept with 4 or 5 guys before marriage! Each one they may have thought they were going to marry -- but life doesn't always render itself to our plans!! And each person you give yourself to in such an intimate way (sex) - you leave a piece of yourself with. This is why I have such a heart for these young girls that start having sex so early in life.... they spread themselves so thin.... and can lose themselves in the process.

I would just encourage you to stick to your guns on this one and don't allow yourself to be swayed with the emotional or cultural lies. It is a big deal - which is completely foreign to the culture we live in - but if you do wait God WILL reward your faithfulness and bless you with a pure and loving sexual intimacy in his due time!!"

A2: "...Many people never think about the fact the homosexual sex is no more of a sin that heterosexual sex outside of marriage. It's all sin, some is just less socially acceptable. But how often do we never bat an eyelash at people in movies or on TV sleeping together without being married, yet we are shocked to see 2 men kiss? It's sad that we've been so desensitized to sexual impurity.

You are not alone,... but you ARE in the minority. But God being on your side makes it quite the majority doesn't it? For some people it doesn't get any easier, but honestly in my experience I found it the most difficult in my early 20's. After that the hormones subsided a bit... and honestly I was worried that I'd ignored my sex drive for so long that it might have starved to death, that's how little I thought about it. Perhaps the Lord just gave me grace to stay pure. Now that I'm married I TOTALLY thank God for giving me the strength to wait. Now I understand how intimate it is [for those who've been promiscuous, it may not be intimate to them, but God created it to be.] And it does take a while to get used to... but it's precious and sacred and I am so glad God was good and spared me in this area... Stay faithful to your convictions, and you will not regret it. Not only do I not regret waiting, I feel joy when I think of what I was spared."

 

"I SAVED MYSELF BUT SHE DIDN'T"

"I am 23... I am a virgin, never gave/performed oral sex, and have never allowed a woman to masturbate me...I met this great woman six months ago and we recently started dating. I recently found out that she wanted to remain a virgin until marriage, but she slept with one guy about a half dozen times before she met me. She said she felt terrible about it and she promised God again that she will never have sex again until marriage. She believes God has forgiven her. She told me she always used a condom and got tested for STD after. She even went with him to the doctor twice (once right after they broke up and once six months later) to have him tested for STD. I feel that must have been hard for her and was a sign she was regretful.

My dilemma is this. She is such a great woman! ... She is the woman of my dreams except for one "not so little" thing...

I can't explain the hurt I felt when I asked her and found out she wasn't a virgin. (I do give her credit for being 100% honest with me - she always has been) I almost broke up with her right there, but there is something inside of me that feels I should forgive her if she truly made a mistake. However, I don't want to regret sacrificing my morals in 10 years.

I can see she regrets it - especially when she sees how hurt I am over it. This other guy lied about his sexual history to her (he told her the truth afterwards) and she thought it was love. She says it was only physical and not emotional and that sex with me after marriage would not even come close to comparing to what she had done with this guy on a physically only level.

I always prayed that I would not have to choose between marrying a non-virgin that I love and breaking off the relationship because of her past...Well, here I am...

I told her if we are to stay together there will be no sex until (if) we get married and she is fine with that. She REALLY believes I am the one for her. I would devastate her if I broke up with her simply because she is not a virgin - I think she has suffered the results of her actions enough already and maybe I need to forgive.

I think she COULD BE the one for me, but I keep thinking about how cheated I feel sometimes. I told her that, and she said she feels cheated, too... and she would go back and change it in a second, but she can't... She has been really good about answering my questions and giving me the time/space to think about this.

If I decide I cannot marry her over this issue, I need to tell her that now to be fair to her. Part of my "gut" tells me not to lose such a great girl over this... Maybe I need to make an exception and forgive? While another part of me is scared to marry a non-virgin and feels that is being unfaithful to God to do so. I guess I always figured that God would "save me" a virgin.... If I break it off with her over this, I wonder if I will always regret it.

I asked her if she appreciates the fact that I am a virgin. She said she appreciates it even more now because it was so hard to do that she couldn't.

ANSWER: In a message dated 12-4-1998 10:17:38 PM, you wrote:

<<I don't want to regret sacrificing my morals in 10 years.>>

There are two statements you've made that I want to challenge you on. One is quoted above and the other is "While another part of me is scared to marry a non-virgin and feels that is being unfaithful to God to do so." I can't say it's scriptural to say that marrying a non-virgin is being unfaithful to God. I certainly understand YOUR desire to have someone who has saved herself, but I disagree that you'll be sacrificing your morals based on the other person's PAST. That's the key word. It's in her PAST. Yeah it stinks that she's been there before, but that is just one of the many kinds of sin that you BOTH have committed and BOTH have been totally forgiven for. [I hate to sound uncompassionate, but I'm pretty sure that you are not without sin.] So I really think in terms of the forgiveness department you need to give her as much grace as you possibly can. You could break up with this girl and find yourself a virgin, but that won't make her a great wife.

...when I was in college I had a boyfriend with a sexual past and he told me everything, lots of facts about who and how often. After that, when I began dating my husband, I knew he had a past, but I decided it would be much easier not to know how many and who. So I have not gotten into it. He knows how I feel about it, and we've dealt with it as much as possible. It's not like I am without sexual sin just because I never had sex. Scripturally, even if you lust in your heart after someone, you have just as much as slept with her and are just as much in need of forgiveness. So in terms of guilt it's no better, but in terms of consequences, that's a different story. One time we both wrote down on a piece of paper the names of all the people we had feelings of guilt about going too far with, and [not showing them to each other] we prayed together for forgiveness, and then we burned the paper to show that it is done, in the past, and we were moving ahead without looking back.

During our dating, that's all we could do regarding dealing with his past. I didn't realize some of the pain of marrying a person with a sexual past when I had personally abstained until we were actually getting married...First of all, the intercourse hasn't really been affected. [Incidentally, if she only did it 6 or so times, then when she is with you, it could very well be like her first time. That's not even close to enough to get used to it.] As for my husband, I know that I'm the first person he's been in love with, and before for him it was unemotional with the others, so he tells me it's completely different and I believe him.

[There have been times when I have gotten upset when I think about the fact that he's been there with someone else before. Someone else who has done these things for him. It has been intimidating at times wondering what he has to compare me to. First of all, that's just the enemy trying to destroy my marriage. Second of all, we dated long enough that by the time we were married I'm sure it had to have been a while since he had had sex. So I have to honestly say, yes, it has been a source of stress, I think more for me than for him and as a result there have been occasions that our physical relationship has been affected. However, we love each other and I just have to give myself time to get used to it. On his side, he is just dealing with the consequences of his past sexual sin. I have forgiven him, but the consequences still live on.]...Sex is such a small part of the marriage, and despite the difficulty I just shared with you, things are wonderful. He is good for me and good to me. And above all else, I'm positive he is the one God gave to me.

Something else I want to challenge you on, what makes you think you are worthy of someone who meets a certain standard in terms of purity? I understand the grieving involved in being with someone who has crossed that line when you haven't, I've been through it. So I say this in love as someone who has been there, get off of your little pedestal and humble yourself. You've got nothing on this woman, you are not above her. You've kept yourself pure, that's wonderful and you will be blessed for it, but it does not make you a better person. You are just as soiled, perhaps in different areas, but just as soiled none-the-less. Odds are there will be several times in the future when she will need to forgive you of some transgression and you will be hoping for her to have grace in her heart toward you. If she is as wonderful as all the things you've said, then I TOTALLY say forgive her, chalk this up as something you will work through together, put it in your past and don't bring it up to her again. Nothing in life is perfect.

I hope I haven't been too harsh. Please know that was not at all my heart, I do empathize. But it's now time for you to work on getting over it. I respect your purity and I pray that the Lord will bless your future and your marriage. Again, know that everything I've said has been in love. I truly do understand the pain of what you're dealing with."

 

HOW CAN I HELP MY KIDS?

Q: "I have a teenager who is in a steady dating relationship. I have have become aware of some physical intimacy which goes beyond what I believe to be appropriate. I am very concerned and have discussed it with both my child and their steady, but I believe they are more sorry they got caught than sorry for going too far. Do you have any advice about how to help my teenager?"

 

A: There are several suggestions I have for you: 1. Your Spiritual authority 2. spiritual warfare praying 3. Josh McDowell material 4. Affirming your daughter and her boyfriend's ability to make correct choices. 5. Courtship vs Dating

1. First, you sound like you are mature in your faith, in that you've been able to talk to the kids about their behavior, relate it to Scripture, and pray with them. It was years before I felt comfortable praying with my daughters. So you are already doing great!!

Do you understand your Spiritual Authority as her mother? In other words, the devil is a DEFEATED FOE, Jesus has ALREADY WON the victory, and delegated to us, the authority he won, over evil and disobedience. I have prayed for my own daughters like this: "In the precious name of your son Jesus, Father I ask you to bring back to my daughter's remembrance, your WORD, which is able to keep her from falling. As her mother I plead the blood of the risen Christ upon her, and I place this blood between my daughter and the enemy's designs against her. I command the enemy to keep silent to her and her boyfriend, in the name of Jesus." (this is a sample not all I would pray) I learned a great deal from this book: THE ADVERSARY by Mark Bubeck.

2. From this book, I also learned about WARFARE PRAYING. He has written out prayers in this book, which I prayed from my heart as I read, and learned as I went along. I've learned that we Christians are in a war, & most of us don't even realize it, nor what to do about it. We should be the most fearless people on the face of the earth. We need to learn how to APPROPRIATE what Christ won for us on the cross. We are NOT VICTIMS of the devil. He knows who Christ is, and trembles when we pray because he knows he is defeated.

3. I can't tell you a title, but if you will go to your Christian book store & ask for the Josh McDowell section, I read a book years ago, by him, which was very instructive for teens in this very area of remaining abstinent, and which reaches them where they're at.......

There is also a book which I just purchased for one of the teens I'm mentoring, written by Neil Anderson, and a young man who is in charge of a huge ministry for teens, I think it's Teen Mania (that's the name of the organization, I'm sorry I don't have the title of the book but it teaches kids their authority in Christ, teaches them spiritual warfare, etc.) . We use Neil Anderson's materials FREEDOM IN CHRIST, in our Christian Reformed Church. Rather than just casting out demons, it teaches folks their authority in Christ, so they can get FREE (and stay free), by leading them through 7 STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST. Our Pastor just preached thru these 7 steps. And there's a booklet maybe 15 pages long about 8" x 11" entitled 7 STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST, which we give to folks/ guide them thru, which covers such things as any contact one has had KNOWINGLY OR UNKNOWINGLY with things like Tarot cards, fortune tellers, if a person was a victim of sexual abuse, was ever hypnotized, etc. etc. a check list, and then leads them thru repentance, renouncing, and making the committment to God..... I recommend these materials.

There is also a new book out by Gary Smalley & his son, Greg, that would be valuable for you to read, about teens adopting your values as their own, rather than just doing what you say because you insist they do...........so that the values BECOME THEIR VALUES. Then, they can stand up to peer pressure, and avoid temptation. There is also an excellent book I believe by Gary Smalley THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN. We hug & kiss our babies, we tickle them, lots of healthy touches. As they get older we no longer do these things, but we all need healthy touches every day.......many people have no one to just hug them & make them feel special, teens included. This book explains how to meet our teen's needs so they don't have to go looking for love in the wrong places.

4. One of the things that kept me virgin until I was married, was my Dad's belief in me. He let me know that he trusted my good sense, he affirmed that he had confidence in my ability to make correct choices (given correct information), and it would have killed me to disappoint him. Had I yielded to temptation, and gotten pregnant, I know he would have hugged me, stood by me, & loved me thru it.

I know from experience, that we tend to live up to others' expectations of us........by all means, make your expectations that of correct behavior on their part, and let them know that you will guide and assist them in KEEPING that correct behavior by committing to supervise their time together so that they are NEVER, under any circumstances, for ANY length of time, left alone in your home, nor should they be, in his home. In a "trusting" way, you need to keep them accountable to you, not in a way that would make them go behind your back, nor push them away from you. So it's a matter of your adopting an attitude of " you kids are good kids, you know what is right, AND I'm going to HELP you by doing this & that..........." An example would be to have a friend or relative fill in for you when you can't be at home. So & so will be dropping by, or will be driving you, etc. so they always have that feeling & evidence of SUPERVISION & not ever being left alone. Doors are kept open to their rooms, family room, etc.

Many teens today, make this pledge, to sexual purity until marriage, at such things as a "Love Can Wait" Rally. The parents give their daughter a ring. Her acceptance of this ring, and signing an agreement, indicates HER committment to this. She then gives her husband-to-be, this ring, as part of their wedding ceremony. Very wonderful. The young man is taught that it is his DUTY, PRIVILEGE, AND HONOR, to PROTECT WITH EVERY FIBER OF HIS BEING, this young woman's sexual purity, whether or not, he ever ends up marrying her. Which brings me to...

5. COURSHIP vs. DATING: There is a movement in this country toward going back to COURTSHIP. I believe many of those Christians who are Homeschooling, are teaching their children about this. There are books about Courtship, and how to go about it. I need to read more. In essence, it's the very thing I was talking about in #4, where the children are brought up with the instruction in courtship. First of all, I myself believe that "dating" is not a Christian activity......that teens should not be dating, they should be doing group activities, having fun as a group. Kids are forced to grow up far too fast. I believe we need to take the pressure off kids, and lots of them indicate they appreciate being taught HOW TO SAY NO, and not having to worry about getting pregnant. They also need to have FACTUAL information about Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD's) of which Herpes & Aides are only the very tip of the iceberg. Genital warts, gonorrhea, syphilis, on & on the horrors go.........are very much alive & well today. Most kids only hear about AIDS & HERPES.

In most cultures all over this world, young women are chaperoned until the day they're married. They are never left alone in the company of a young man. There is wisdom in this. Personally, I'd think that given a choice, understanding that in courtship a young woman's honor will be PROTECTED BY HER PARENTS, and GUARDED BY HER BROTHERS, OR ANY YOUNG MEN SHE ASSOCIATES WITH, would make that young lady feel very very special, and would be a most favorable position for her to be in. Why would she NOT want this?!"

WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABSTINENT, IS IT TOO LATE FOR US?

Q: "Over the past year, I have been seeking a better relationship with God. I am...in college. I have known since high school that something was missing in my life, but it wasn't until I met my boyfriend that I knew it was religion. My boyfriend was a virgin when we met, but I wasn't. I had slept with three guys, who were all my boyfriends and who I thought I loved. I had a very bad relationship with my last boyfriend, he was emotionally and sexually abusive. ...My current boyfriend, was a breath of fresh air. He didn't care that I had slept with other people and freely admitted that he was a virgin. We started dating last January and everything was wonderful. I had never been so in love. He respected me, which is the first time a guy really had. And so, I began to respect myself. We fell head over heels in love with each other...

After dating for five months, we had sex. We had both been receiving a lot of pressure from our friends and we had a lot of desire for each other. Because I had not really been introduced to the error of my ways and I thought that premarital sex was okay. When the summer rolled around, he and I had a serious discussion about not having sex anymore. He felt he was ruining his relationship with God. Although I understood, I was really hurt and felt like he was rejecting me. Our promise didn't last too long and in October, we ended up having the same discussion to no avail. We never really stopped having sex, even though we knew it was wrong.

Now that this summer has rolled around, we have decided to make the same pledge again. We discussed it and feel that it is time. We have also decided to get baptized together in two weeks. That was the biggest influence. Because we're taking such a big religious step together, we felt it was high time for a change in habit. We haven't yet decided what the limit will be, but we feel that God will let us know in our hearts what is right.

Our relationship with each other is perfect, except for sex. We have sinned for a year and now we want to stop and make it right. We love each other so much, now we want to love the Lord. We also feel that if we obey God, he will indulge our hearts desires. We both have plans to go to graduate school, but we don't know where we'll end up or if we will be able to stay together. We want nothing more than to stay together because our relationship is so great. I guess our hope is that if we begin to obey the Lord, then what he wants for us will become evident, whether we are meant to be together or what.

I just need some advice. Being a good Christian is so new to me. I know that the Lord will forgive us of our sins if we repent, but what if it was a continuing sin? Is it too late for us to try to make our relationship holy? We know that our relationship is in no way based on the physical, but where should we draw the line? We love each other, now we just need help to love God... or at least I do. Help!"

 

A: "...I respect that you have not given up on shifting your relationship with your boyfriend to being abstinent. You wrote: "I just need some advice. Being a good Christian is so new to me. I know that the Lord will forgive us of our sins if we repent, but what if it was a continuing sin? "

I don't want to make it sound like it's okay just to keep sinning, but ALL sin is covered by grace, even continuing sin. Our motivation to stop sinning should be out of love for God and a desire to obey for that reason, not fear of condemnation.

"Is it too late for us to try to make our relationship holy?"

Definitely not. God can redeem it if he so chooses, but you must be committed to obedience even if He chooses to end your relationship also. It's better to let God choose your mate than to hold on to who you're with. If you 2 are meant to be together, congratulations, you'll be spared of much heartache. The real issue is not God redeeming your relationship, but God redeeming you both as individuals.

The most important thing you and your boyfriend can do is to pray together every day. My husband and I started that about 6 months before we were married (almost a year ago) and we have continued since then. I hope we never let that go. It's the single most valuable act of our relationship. So if you want to succeed in abstaining, then a necessary part is to PRAY TOGETHER. That's one thing.

Think of your spiritual growth like you do about getting a college degree. You don't just decide you want to have a degree and then suddenly, you're there. You have to spend years of going to class every day, studying, working, paying the dues. At the end of the course, you have built a pool of knowledge that you could only gain a little at a time. And really the education doesn't end there, because then you go out, you start to work, and with each experience you get more and more solid in your knowledge and wisdom. It's the same with knowing God personally and walking in obedience. Just because you decide you want to walk in obedience, doesn't mean you can just snap your fingers and do it. You need to allow yourself to build your spiritual foundation one brick at a time, daily. It's the same with dieting, exercise... they all happen a little bit every day. If you were trying to be a champion weight lifter, you would expect to have to slowly build your muscles. That's physical and tangible, but our FAITH is the same in terms of growth. Some things can only be accomplished with time. That's the only way to truly develop a solid base for living a godly life. As we mature and become more familiar with God, he expects more from us. So sometimes, something that may not have been a sin in your early years as a Christian will later be a point of conviction because the Holy Spirit is urging you toward a greater level of obedience. (But sex outside of marriage is pretty much a sin from the start as long as you are a Christian.)

So, you need to make a daily commitment to building your faith. What that consists of is daily time studying the scripture, and daily time in prayer. I cannot recommend highly enough the Bible study called "Experiencing God". I am someone who was raised going to church, I always believed in God, and got really serious about it when I was 15. So by the time I was in my mid twenties, it wasn't often that a spiritual message or study was revolutionary to my thinking, but "Experiencing God" was. It is excellent. Go in any Christian bookstore, and they should have it. You and your boyfriend could each get this book and do it together, or with a small group. It's a serious commitment, but... you won't come out of it unchanged.

Another thing you should pray about is going on some sort of fast. This doesn't always need to be fasting from food, although that's good. One time...God convicted me about turning my head to different types of sin in my life, things that didn't seem too serious, like participating in less than edifying conversation, watching questionable TV or movies etc. So, I felt led to go on a secular media fast. I started, not knowing how long I'd go with it, but I didn't watch any TV, or listen to secular music, or read any secular literature. That ended up lasting 6 weeks. I can't tell you how that impacted me. I was amazed at the difference in my thoughts each day as I drove, and at the content of my conversations. Or you and your boyfriend could go on a fast from something else, like a "physical affection" fast. Replace your normal cuddle time with prayer and reading the Bible together. This may sound odd, but you'll get comfortable with it after a little while if you're not comfortable to start with. Pray together about this, and God will speak to you about what he wants.

...please prepare yourself that God may use a geographical separation of you two in order to work in your relationship. My husband and I lived in separate states for over 2 years before we got married. Our relationship changed dramatically during that time, it was crucial for both of us to have that independence and define ourselves before we were together. Otherwise, we would have potentially been too dependent on one another instead of on the Lord, and the dynamics of our relationship would not be as good...

One other thing you should both do is make yourself accountable to a trusted Christian friend. That's a yucky one because if you're like me, you'll be tempted to just maintain the necessary appearances, yet sneak around and do what you want. But you must ask yourself who are you doing this for? Your friends? Not really. Ultimately, you're doing it for God, and he knows everything, so you can't hide it from Him. But having to face a trusted friend with the truth can be a motivating factor to keep yourself in check..."

 

IS MASTURBATION A SIN?

Q: "I'm 14 and I'm just wondering is masturbation a sin?"

A: You asked if masturbation is a sin. Well, you don't exactly ask the easiest question. First of all, I'll tell you right off, I have never personally had any experience with masturbation, I always grew up assuming it was wrong. But I'm a woman, and I've got a good guy friend who's a Christian who says it's different for men and that there's a physiological need for the release. I can't comment on that because I don't know. Some do think it's a sin, and I'm sure that for some people it is if they find themselves struggling with fantasizing about other women. The Bible does say that if you even think about having sex with a woman, you've just as much as done it, meaning it's a sin outside of marriage. So to that extent, there is scripture. So if masturbation includes looking at magazines of women or men and fantasizing etc., then yes, I would deduce that it is a sin.

However, there may be occasions where God allows it, for instance if someone is trying to keep from sexual sin, and they feel they need to relieve that drive on their own so they can maintain self control with their significant other. And there may be seasons where it may not be a sin for someone if they are young in their faith, but then after a certain period of maturing God expects more from them, and he begins a work in their heart which convicts them about something they previously never thought about.

The bottom line is, if you have a relationship with God, and you are striving to live in obedience to him, then he can convict your heart about what is a sin. You need to seek him and ask. If it is a sin, then he will give you the strength to overcome. My site does have a link to a site called "Overcoming Masturbation" on my abstinence related links page, if you feel this is something you need to break free from.

* I have deleted names, cities, and any other information that might compromise the privacy of those individuals who have written us. Certain portions of our responses have been omitted to avoid public display of personal information. I felt it was important to make available to others the questions that are common among those visiting this site. Also, the people who have been generous with their time in writing thoughtful responses have much to say, and I believe it would be beneficial for others to see those letters. If something you have read on this site is offensive or disagreeable to you, you are entitled to your opinions. Please do not e-mail us with arguments. We are busy people, and we prefer to spend our time encouraging those who share our views, not defending ourselves against those who do not.

Thought Provoking Questions

1. Have you ever felt emotionally betrayed by someone you were ever physically intimate with?

2. If you've had sex, did you cry after your first time? If so, why?

3. If you've had sex, have you ever regretted it? If you've not had sex with someone, have you ever regretted not having sex?

4. Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone that you are no longer with?

5. What do your answers to these questions make you think about sex outside of marriage?

THE BIBLICAL VIEW OF SEX

"...The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body...Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said 'the two will become one flesh' ..." [I Corinthians 6:13-16] [When you have sex with someone, you become one.]

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." [I Corinthians 7:3-5] [God created sex for marriage, and it is a good thing.]

"But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." [I Corinthians 7:9] [No sex before marriage.]

"May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?" [Proverbs 5:18-20]

"Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?

For a man's ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all his paths. The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly." [Proverbs 5:15-23] [This passage compares the wife to a cistern, well, and fountain which is a source of pleasure to the man. Sexual pleasure is part of God's purpose for sex in marriage as can be seen in this passage. Such experience is designed for the commitment and trust of marriage. Outside of marriage sex ultimately leads to guilt and loss of self-respect.]

Following are excerpts from the book Song of Songs. Although the language is rather foreign to our culture, the basic message is clear that physical love between a man and wife is scriptural. The husband is "Lover" and the wife is "Beloved". The brackets before each quote show who is speaking.

"[Beloved] Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me. Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." [Song of Songs 2:3-7]

"[Lover] How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like a tower of David. built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. All beautiful you are my darling; there is no flaw in you." [Song of Songs 4:1-7]

"[Beloved] My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels. His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh. His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars. His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this my friend..." [Song of Songs 5:10-16]

"[Lover] You are beautiful, my darling, as Tirzah, lovely as Jerusalem, majestic as troops with banners. Turn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing. Each has its twin, not one of them is alone. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Sixty queens there may be, and eighty concubines, and virgins beyond number; but my dove, my perfect one, is unique, the only daughter of her mother, the favorite of the one who bore her. The maidens saw her and called her blessed; the queens and concubines praised her." [Song of Songs 6:4-9]

"[Lover] Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, "I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit." May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. [Beloved] May the wine go straight to my lover, flowing gently over lips and teeth. I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me." [Song of Songs 7:7-10]

"[Beloved] I am a wall and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment." [Song of Songs 8:10] [Dedicated love between marriage partners should bring fulfillment and contentment. The end result of shared love is contentment.]

 

IGNORING GOD'S COMMANDS

"Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator - who is forever praised...Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." [Romans 1:24-27] [Homosexuality is a sin. Fornication and adultery are just as much of a sin.]

"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." [I Corinthians 6:9-10]

 

GOD'S FORGIVENESS OF OUR SINS

"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." [Romans 3:22-23] [It's a shame when Christians point their finger at the world and protest their sin, we are called to love them. ALL HAVE SINNED and all sin is equal and all can be forgiven if they just ask. Only God is entitled to judge.]

"I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." [Luke 15:7]

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." [John 3:16]

"For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow." [Psalm 51:3-7]

"Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy." [Micah 7:18]

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." [Romans 5:8]

 

WE ARE CALLED TO OBEDIENCE

"So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." [I Corinthians 10:12-13] [If you think you can't succeed in a commitment to premarital abstinence, you are not too weak, you just may not be relying on God enough.]

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." [Philippians 4:13]

""We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him. We know that we are children of God, and that we whole world is under the control of the evil one. We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so taht we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true - even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." [I John 5:18-20]

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities - his eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." [Romans 1:20]

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stonger than man's strength." [I Corinthians 1:25]

"In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace." [Romans 6:11-14]

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." [Romans 12:1-2]

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." [I Corinthians 6:18-20] [Sexual sin affects people differently than other sin does.]

"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." [Ephesians 5:3]

"...We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts." [I Thessalonians 2:4]

"It is God's will that you should be *sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit." [I Thessalonians 4:3-8] [*sanc-ti-fy (sangk-teh-fi) tr.v. 1. To set apart for sacred use; consecrate. 2. To make holy; purify. 3. To give religious sanction to, as with an oath or a vow. 4. To give social or moral sanction to. 5. To make productive of holiness or spiritual blessing. Adjective: Regarded with particular reverence or respect. holy, sacred, sacrosanct, blessed, hallowed. Verb: To make sacred by a religious rite. blessed, hallowed, consecrated.]

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." [Matthew 5:27-30] [I don't believe God intended for us to literally interpret this passage, or else we'd have a world full of crippled and blind people. But it does show that God does not take sin lightly.]

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery**; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..." [Galatians 5:16-23] [If you are trying to be led by the Spirit and the person you are dating is not, you will be in conflict with each other.] [**debauchery (dî-bô"che-rê) noun plural debaucheries 1. a. Extreme indulgence in sensual pleasures; dissipation. b. debaucheries.]

"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." [Galatians 6:1]

"Do not be deceived; God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." [Galatians 6:7-8]

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love." [2 Peter 1:3-7]

 

OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO NOT CAUSE OTHERS TO STUMBLE

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way." [Romans 14:13] [You should not cause the person you are dating to stumble. That is not a loving way to treat them.]

HOW SERIOUSLY GOD TAKES SEXUAL SIN

"I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people - not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat." [I Corinthians 5:9-11] [Again, Christians have no right to point their finger at the world and condemn their sin. We are called to love them. But, we are also called to keep other Christians accountable for the sin in their lives.]

"If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, "I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity," then the girl's father and mother shall bring proof that she was a virgin to the town elders at the gate. The girl's father will say to the elders, "I gave my daughter in marriage to this man, but he dislikes her. Now he has slandered her and said, 'I did not find your daughter to be a virgin.' But here is the proof of my daughter's virginity." Then her parents shall display the cloth before the elders of the town, and the elders shall take the man and punish him. They shall fine him a hundred shekels of silver and give them to the girl's father, because this man has given an Israelite virgin a bad name. She shall continue to be his wife; he must not divorce her as long as he lives.

If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you.

If a man is found sleeping with another man's wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die. You must purge the evil from Israel.

If a man happens to meet in a town a virgin pledged to be married and he sleeps with her, you shall take both of them to the gate of that town and stone them to death - the girl because she was in a town and did not scream for help, and the man because he violated another man's wife. You must purge the evil from among you." [Deuteronomy 22:13-24] [This may have been at a different time in mankind's history, but God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. These commands were for the Israelite nation whom God was trying to preserve and keep pure. This command was in the context of how God's people should relate to others within God's people, not the world. I don't believe he intends for us to 'stone' people who have sex outside of marriage, but this scripture is an indication of how seriously God considered it to be offensive.]

 

WARNINGS ABOUT ADULTERY

"For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is better as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not." [Proverbs 5:3-6]

"...Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life. Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished." [Proverbs 6:25-29]

"But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away..." [Proverbs 6:32-33]

No amount of birth control can prevent emotional betrayal and hurt.

 

The following information was taken from the Focus on the Family website:

"Thank you, safe sex."

"Here are some of the results of 25 years of addressing this problem with the "safe sex" ideology:

Ten percent of all 15 to 19 year-old females become pregnant each year.

More than 80 percent of pregnant girls under age 17 who give birth and keep their babies end up on welfare, costing society a staggering $21 billion a year.

Three million new cases of STDs among teens are reported each year.

Up to 29 percent of sexually active adolescent girls have been found to be infected with chlamydia.

A study of sexually active college women showed that 43 percent acquired HIV infection within a 3-year period.

 

 

Statistics

[These statistics come from the national study reported in "The State of America's Children Yearbook, 1994" and for a 1995 State Department of Education survey of 2,314 high school students from 58 randomly selected high schools.]

• Every 10 seconds a teenager becomes sexually active for the first time.
• 55% of students surveyed had sexual intercourse with another student during their high school years.
• 11% had sexual intercourse with another student before the age of 13.
• 21% had 4 or more sexual partners in their high school years.
• 46% of those surveyed used no form of contraception.
• Every 26 seconds a baby is born to an unmarried mother.
• Every 30 seconds a baby is born into poverty.
• In a 24 hour time period, 2795 teenage girls will become pregnant.
• Every day, 7742 teens become sexually active.
• One out of three 13 to 15 year olds have had sex.
• 73% of all teens say that the reason they engage in sex is due to the social pressure.
• 1,106 teenagers have abortions every day.
• By the age of 13, 43% of "churched" teens had experienced sexual intercourse and 65% of the youth had engaged in fondling breasts and/or sexual intercourse.
• 50% of all rapes involved alcohol.
• More than 1 million teens are sexually assaulted each year.
• Attempted date rape on college campus is 1 in 4.
• 1 in 4 women will be raped in their lifetime, less than 10% will report it, and less than %5 of the rapists will go to jail.

 

The State of America's Children Yearbook 2001

25 Key Facts About American Children
1 in 2 will live in a single parent family at some point in childhood.
1 in 3 is born to unmarried parents.
1 in 3 will be poor at some point in their childhood.
1 in 3 is behind a year or more in school.
1 in 4 lives with only one parent.
2 in 5 never complete a single year of college.
1 in 5 was born poor.
1 in 5 is born to a mother who did not graduate from high school.
1 in 5 has a foreign-born mother.
3 in 5 preschoolers have their mother in the labor force.
1 in 6 is poor now.
1 in 6 is born to a mother who did not receive prenatal care in the first three months of pregnancy.
1 in 7 has no health insurance.
1 in 7 has a worker in their family but still is poor.
1 in 8 lives in a family receiving food stamps.
1 in 8 never graduates from high school.
1 in 8 is born to a teenage mother.
1 in 12 has a disability.
1 in 13 was born with low birthweight.
1 in 15 lives at less than half the poverty level.
1 in 24 lives with neither parent.
1 in 26 is born to a mother who received late or no prenatal care.
1 in 60 sees their parents divorce in any year.
1 in 139 will die before their first birthday.
1 in 1,056 will be killed by guns before age 20.

©2001 Children's Defense Fund.
Source: The State of America's Children Yearbook 2001.

The Steps... what to DO.

[I have written these from my perspective as a Christian woman. But that does not at all mean it only applies to Christians. This is good for ANYONE no matter what their religious convictions.]

1. Seriously commit to your decision to be abstinent. This is for YOU, and no one else can do this for you.

2. Acknowledge responsibility for your body and what you do with it. You can control yourself. Yes, you can.

3. Only date people who share and respect your views, you need them to work WITH you, not AGAINST you. [This one is ENORMOUSLY important, a definite key to abstinence.]

4. Be sure you're not advertising what's not on the market, dress accordingly. Also, remember, if someone treats you as though you owe them sex, they're wrong. They're treating you no better than a prostitute.

5. Avoid movies, TV shows, web sites, magazines, music, and conversations that dwell on or remind you of sex. "That's ridiculous!" you might be saying. Well, think of it as a BRAIN DIET. The more you feed that part of your brain, the more difficult it will be to remain abstinent. If you were on a diet, you wouldn't hang out in a bakery. That would be foolish. This may sound unrealistic, but it's not as difficult as you might think.

6. Keep your clothes on. If you can't get to it, you can't get in trouble with it. It's that simple.

"...One time we both wrote down on a piece of paper the names of all the people we had feelings of guilt about going too far with, and [not showing them to each other] we prayed together for forgiveness, and then we burned the paper to show that it is done, in the past, and we were moving ahead without looking back..." [excerpt from Q&A page]

7. Beware of back rubs, naps together, etc. Getting horizontal can inch you closer and closer to things you never planned on doing.

8. Keep control. Drugs and alcohol don't make you less responsible for what you do with your body. YOU still have to bear the consequences of your actions, no matter how unintentional they were.

9. Always keep in mind that this is not forever. You are just holding out now for something better in the future. It'll be worth it.

10. Constantly assess yourself and find your points of weakness, then avoid them. You know best what works for you, and since you are doing this for yourself, you'll try to do it well.

11. Never stop trying. Mistakes might happen, and each day must be approached with a new awareness of your options. There's no such thing as absolute failure or success. Good choices yesterday don't mean you can let down your guard, and bad choices today don't mean tomorrow has no hope.

12. Be realistic about your future with someone. Just because you think you'll marry them now doesn't mean you will. Nothing is guaranteed until you are at your wedding. Emotions and intentions don't justify physical relationships.

13. Remember there is NEVER a point of no return. It's never too late to begin trying or to try again. No matter how many mistakes you feel you've made in your past, each day is another chance.

14. PRAY often for the Lord's strength. You don't have to wonder if this is God's will, you know it is. He's on your side and wants you to succeed, He will do His part, but you must do yours. Pray pray pray!!

15. Pursue PURITY. Practicing abstinence successfully is not achieved by focusing on what you DON'T do. It's what you DO. It's a matter of PURSUING PURITY in your heart.