"I MADE A MISTAKE!"

Q: "...[I've] always considered myself a faithful Christian until now. Last night a guy whom I've been dating for quite a while had sex with me. It was my first time. I did it because I thought if I didn't I would disappoint him and that I was leading him on. Now I'm confused. I feel like I've sinned and I feel dirty that I'm no longer a virgin. I know God loves me and I want to keep his commandments. Is premarital sex a sin? Does God forgive it? I feel terrible."

A: "I can imagine that there must be so many emotions linked to what you're going through. First of all is the impact of having sex for the first time, then the guilt with your spiritual convictions, and then the emotions toward your boyfriend. I'm going to just be very honest with you and try to answer your questions.

Premarital sex is a sin. So is jealousy in your heart, so is lying, so is murder, so is homosexual sex. They all grieve the Lord. He forgives them all equally. All sin is equal, but the consequences are not. So, know that you are forgiven and that God loves you so much. He also understands that you have confusion and weakness. But your sin does grieve Him.

If your boyfriend is a Christian, he should have a moral struggle with what you are doing and you should discuss it with him. If he's not a Christian, you shouldn't be dating him, and that is scriptural [you shall not be unequally yoked]. Regardless of his spiritual standing, if he really loves you, he would want you to be honest with him about your feelings. You really have to tell him honestly what you feel, that you don't want to do it again. If he doesn't really love you, and if what you thought was true [that you would lose him if you didn't do it] then he certainly is NOT worth going against your convictions for. He doesn't even deserve to take you to the movies much less have sex with you if that's what it takes to keep him.

I know what it's like to wonder if you've lead someone on, or if you have been a tease. But you need to weigh the 2 offenses, which is worse, having sex outside of marriage which directly disobeys the Lord's commands, or being a tease? I'll let you in on something I didn't learn until I was in my 20's. Most guys who want to have sex with you act like you lead them on, even if you didn't. Many guys perceive things differently than you intended and may genuinely think you did, others may just say it to try to manipulate you. Either way, it's not your responsibility to give them what they expect. It really isn't your obligation, and anyone who makes you think it is, is just thinking of himself which should make you certain that you don't owe him a thing.

What it comes down to is this: You need to fear God more than you fear man. I'm sure you've heard the expression 'fear God' and it doesn't mean you're afraid of God, but that you care more about what He thinks than ANYONE else. Does that make sense? If you really fear God, then no matter what anyone says to you, if it doesn't go along with God's commands, you will NOT compromise in order to keep them happy, no matter how angry they get. Have faith that as long as you are obedient to the Lord, then He will take care of everything else. It looks like this is a defining moment in your life. The sooner you come to the Lord with this, the sooner you commit your way to Him and choose to walk in obedience, the better off you will be. It may seem difficult at first, but I'd bet my life savings you'd never regret it. I can honestly say, I've never regretted NOT having sex. You've had it once and sounds like you regret it. You don't have to do it again. There is such a thing as secondary virginity and that is when you make a commitment from this day forward that you will wait to have sex until you are married. You made a mistake, it's not the end of the world, or the end of your relationship with the Lord.

As far as scripture, I suggest you just start reading in your Bible. The Lord will direct you to what you need, even if it may not seem like it applies. You could start with the gospels or Psalms. Know that the Lord is able to give you a way through this situation that you can bear. He will give you what you need to be obedient to Him. "

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"HOW DO YOU HOLD TO YOUR COMMITMENT?"

Q: "I guess I am writing because I am concerned about my own relationship that has a few years of history. We met in college four years ago and have been dating for almost three of those years. We were sexually involved from the very beginning and are now making the decision to marry. We are ...not having intercourse, but are struggling with everything that leads up to it. I read your letter and appreciated it dearly, especially what he had to say about all of the "other stuff" that leads up to sex. I know you had your own personal struggles, but it sounded really easy from your point of view - that it just takes a commitment from both partners to abide by God's commandments, and a relationship can be successful without the sexual involvement. How did you come to make that commitment and hold to it?"

A: "I can totally relate to the struggles you and your boyfriend are having... The struggles that I had weren't new to me. What was new was that for once I was trying to not go that route. I was fairly promiscuous throughout high school and college. Not exactly sleeping around... but a lot of other junk. In fact it was real easy for me to sort of jump right into that and consequently, most of my relationships were shallow. At that point in my life I didn't really care though so I was content. Then along came my wife and I knew she was different and I also knew my slant towards quickly being promiscuous was part of my "flesh" side. So....I tried extra hard to not do anything. And it worked..for a while... We could have avoided those situations where we put ourselves in vulnerable positions. You know how a back rub leads to something that leads to something etc. The point is we just don't happen into compromising situations. You and your boyfriend need to acknowledge the steps that lead up to situations you believe in your heart you should not be in. He knows exactly what gets you going and you know just how to push his buttons. You guys have been together long enough that you know those things. So...from that point of view, you know what NOT to do. That's good! Half the battle is knowing what to avoid.

...God really worked on my life in a powerful way and allowed me to see my sinfulness and my rebellion in light of his holiness and his plan for mankind's life. I really wanted to live my life according to God's plan, not my own. So, we acknowledged that it wasn't good for us to dabble in the physical stuff and we should try to stay pure. Did we? Well sometimes and sometimes not. But, as time went on it got better. And we prayed, and prayed, and together we lifted our physical relationship up to God and said, "it is yours. Please take this from us, we want to honor you." But you know what I think was one of the greatest things? We would repent!! Together!! ...Sometimes in moments that could have been compromising, one of us would say we are hearing that voice in our head. That voice that we would try to ignore but shouldn't. So... we would pray and confess and ask for forgiveness. You know we would feel kind of bad asking for forgiveness again for something that we had confessed maybe just a week earlier. The great thing about the gospel is that the Lord's grace is greater that all our transgressions. It is as far as the east is from the west!! Deeper than the ocean. The hardest thing is to "Boldly" approach the throne of grace (as scripture says we can) when you feel like surely God doesn't want to hear this one again! Right? Well that's what the enemy wants us to believe but it is a lie. If you can learn to confess with your boyfriend than that is a great start. And don't be afraid if the two of you find yourself often confessing and repenting the same things. He is faithful. He can redeem your situation. You have to let Him do it and not rely on your own will. Yes... the two of you can certainly take steps to avoid things, but hand it over to Jesus. He is much better equipped :) Just a few more things about how we stayed on track. Honestly, we got the point where even if physically my body was saying yes, I couldn't enjoy it because I knew it wasn't right. The holy spirit will convict you at that moment if you don't shut out the voice. One thing you can do in those situations is tell your boyfriend that it's not that you don't WANT to do x, y, and z. In fact you would love for that to happen but it just isn't time...yet. And sounds like you two are planning to tie the knot so you're on your way.

Eventually things leveled out with us... Where you are at right now, you don't NEED the physical stuff to have a great relationship. If you think about it, all that stuff is quantitatively a small portion of your relationship. So get the other nonphysical stuff happening first. I don't know if you and your boyfriend pray together but that has an immeasurable impact. Trust me, if the two of you know you are going to pray later that night, you'll probably be less inclined to make a poor decision. That's kind of how it was for us. What is really important is that the two of you need to be on the same page with this. There will be times when you will be the strong one, and times when he will be. Those odds are way better than you trying to control this on your own... If I had to put it in a nutshell it would be this. Pray TOGETHER. Admit/confess TOGETHER. Stand firm in the Lord's grace. It is all we really have to hang onto anyway. We don't bring anything to the table in terms of our own merit. Thank the Lord that he has spared the two of you from going any further. You'll be happy you didn't. If your boyfriend's past is anything like mine, he will have to deal with that on his end and that will greatly affect your success in this area."

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"HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?"

Q: "I am a male who is being raised in a good Christian-valued home. I am committed to sexual abstinence and want to remain abstinent till I am married, but I have one question: How far is too far? Is french-kissing bad? I am so confused..."

A: "I'm glad that you have the courage to seek advice on this very difficult subject, and asking "how far is too far" on the front end of sexual curiosity is very wise. This is a difficult question mainly because we don't have it spelled out for us in layman's terms in the Bible. I will try to answer your queries as best as I know how based on the few clues the Bible does give us and from my own personal experience and prayerful concerns on this very same issue.

First, and always first, we must look at what scripture says:

"Therefore I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not confirm any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is ­ his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

Here we're told that, as an act of worship, we need to offer our bodies to the Lord. PLEASE do not read this legalistically!!! What Paul wants us to understand here is that when we say YES to the Lord and claim that the gospel is true, there will be a transformation in us from the inside out!! So it's not about keeping rules and regulations - a sexual do and don't list - but that if we are truly changed on the inside - it will be our desire (not duty) to do that which is pleasing to God. And the Lord says to offer our bodies as living sacrifices.

But you're still saying "How far is too far?" Well, I personally believe that we should avoid sexual contact that puts us in compromising positions. It's probably best to keep your hands from wandering too much, as it's not only your body that needs to remain pure - but we're also told to not lead others to stumble. You ask about French kissing? I don't see that as a problem. The Lord made us sexual beings and we must always rejoice in that. If you read the Song of Solomon the man and his maiden are completely immersed in their love relationship. The key is that we were made to enjoy sexual conduct is a specific context! But kissing can be done passionately and lovingly without putting our bodies in compromising positions... though, it's an attitude of the heart. Are you kissing a girl you're really interested in? Does she know you respect her? Can you handle just kissing?

Some people have an easier time resisting sexual urges than others. If you strongly feel those urges, it is best to deal with them than to just push them back because they're wrong! They are not wrong. The Lord made you to feel these things - the key is to feel them and deal with them with God. Sin slips in when are passions become our masters - and often times this happens when we're too afraid to go before God with the things we struggle with. Over and over again I've seen young adults decide they are going to remain completely pure sexually. Well, in that blanket statement self-righteousness often slips in and after a while- because their commitment was not from the heart, but merely a rule - they slip up and just give in to full sexual conduct saying "it's just too hard to stay pure everyone around me is having sex. it's not natural". Our commitment has to be to God and not a rule! Especially in this area because it will get harder and harder to resist temptation as you get older. In many ways it can be too hard - and we fail when we rely on our own strengths to pull us through. I've had periods in my life where I've had to pray for God's grace daily in these areas. "Lord give me your grace to resist this thing in my life - for today" And if your true desire is to be pure and righteous before God - he will honor that. Even if you screw up - he will still honor your hearts desire to be pure and righteous.

Is this a long answer to a fairly simple question? I guess the question isn't so simple. I remember when I was your age I had the exact same questions that I wanted answered. Sometimes I'd get point blank answers, sometimes not. As I've entered adulthood though, I've realized that this issue is one that we need to individually take before the Lord and struggle with integrity. Always remember that it was God who made us to feel and desire and love. You must first thank him for making you sensitive to the area's of love and passion and then ask him to show you how to deal with the urges and drives that are starting to present themselves in your life. He will be faithful.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable ­ if anything is excellent or praiseworthy ­ think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:4-8

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"WHAT ABOUT SEX EDUCATION?"

Q: "...how do you feel about sex education programs that teach birth control information and STD prevention but also teach abstinence?"

A: "I do think that regardless of what education is being given in the schools, the media and entertainment industry are sending signals that will forever conflict with sexual discipline. The sexuality that is broadcast in movies, TV, magazines, song lyrics, etc. is far more prevalent than what kids have dealt with in generations past, and I can't believe that it doesn't somehow affect them. How can we expect kids to not struggle with self control when they have the message of sex sent to their brains everywhere they turn? I'm not saying that excuses promiscuity, but it sure makes the whole battle more difficult.

As for the programs that teach all the things you mentioned, I feel that the sad part is, there is no real focus on the emotional impact of sex... I care more about teens keeping themselves pure so they can have stronger marriage relationships in the future.... the divorce rate among couples who waited to have sex until marriage is much lower...

The fact is, teenagers who have sex suffer from the emotional ramifications of being too intimate with someone who's only temporarily in their life. I get letters from teenage girls who don't want to have sex but believe they must in order to keep their boyfriends. That insecurity saddens me deeply. No amount of birth control can prevent emotional betrayal and hurt."

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"DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE SAME WAY?"

Q: "This year alone, I found out that a cousin was pregnant. Aside from that I learned several other things... Most of the people I graduated from grade school with are no longer virgins.... A friend has had an abortion.

...I feel overwhelmed, not because I feel pressure to have sex. I do not feel that I have to have sex. However I do have to ask myself this: "What the heck is going on today???"

I want to remain abstinent until marriage for several reasons. First of all, the veil and white color of my bridal dress and had better mean something. I also prefer that whoever I marry is also a virgin; I guess that's asking a bit too much these days, but it's my preference. Secondly, I have been taught that sex is something that is good, but is good only when done in a committed relationship. The only real commitment that can be found in a relationship, I believe, is that which is found in marriage. (And these days, it seems that the vows are taken so casually and said so glibly...but that is a whole different letter.)

As my English teacher said today, "If a guy asks you for sex, ask for a wedding ring."

Anyway, it really does frighten me how many people take sex so casually. I can't believe that certain people believe that sex always equals true love forever, because I've seen that it doesn't end that way 99.9% of the time...Please let me know that I'm not alone in this whole abstinence thing. I mean it would be very comforting to know for sure that there are still many virgin teenagers out there who share the same thoughts as I do"

[2 of us responded to this one]

A1: "I too believe sex is wrong before marriage... you must stand firm on this.

This is what I've seen with my friends: many of them too wanted to wait until they got married.... well, I live in a pretty artistic town with people that are pursuing their dreams, careers, etc. and just not getting married as early as they use to. But the sexual temptations escalate - and it's very easy to start "settling" or making excuses for activity that I believe we all know in our gut is not right before marriage. And before it's even realized a friend will come to me saying she had sex (just once) with so-n-so.... Well, if that happens when you're 19 or 20 yrs. old.... and you don't get married until you're 28 - think of all the so-n-so's along the way. It's really heartbreaking to watch girls - who at one time were dedicated to remain virgins until marriage - having slept with 4 or 5 guys before marriage! Each one they may have thought they were going to marry -- but life doesn't always render itself to our plans!! And each person you give yourself to in such an intimate way (sex) - you leave a piece of yourself with. This is why I have such a heart for these young girls that start having sex so early in life.... they spread themselves so thin.... and can lose themselves in the process.

I would just encourage you to stick to your guns on this one and don't allow yourself to be swayed with the emotional or cultural lies. It is a big deal - which is completely foreign to the culture we live in - but if you do wait God WILL reward your faithfulness and bless you with a pure and loving sexual intimacy in his due time!!"

A2: "...Many people never think about the fact the homosexual sex is no more of a sin that heterosexual sex outside of marriage. It's all sin, some is just less socially acceptable. But how often do we never bat an eyelash at people in movies or on TV sleeping together without being married, yet we are shocked to see 2 men kiss? It's sad that we've been so desensitized to sexual impurity.

You are not alone,... but you ARE in the minority. But God being on your side makes it quite the majority doesn't it? For some people it doesn't get any easier, but honestly in my experience I found it the most difficult in my early 20's. After that the hormones subsided a bit... and honestly I was worried that I'd ignored my sex drive for so long that it might have starved to death, that's how little I thought about it. Perhaps the Lord just gave me grace to stay pure. Now that I'm married I TOTALLY thank God for giving me the strength to wait. Now I understand how intimate it is [for those who've been promiscuous, it may not be intimate to them, but God created it to be.] And it does take a while to get used to... but it's precious and sacred and I am so glad God was good and spared me in this area... Stay faithful to your convictions, and you will not regret it. Not only do I not regret waiting, I feel joy when I think of what I was spared."

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"I SAVED MYSELF BUT SHE DIDN'T"

"I am 23... I am a virgin, never gave/performed oral sex, and have never allowed a woman to masturbate me...I met this great woman six months ago and we recently started dating. I recently found out that she wanted to remain a virgin until marriage, but she slept with one guy about a half dozen times before she met me. She said she felt terrible about it and she promised God again that she will never have sex again until marriage. She believes God has forgiven her. She told me she always used a condom and got tested for STD after. She even went with him to the doctor twice (once right after they broke up and once six months later) to have him tested for STD. I feel that must have been hard for her and was a sign she was regretful.

My dilemma is this. She is such a great woman! ... She is the woman of my dreams except for one "not so little" thing...

I can't explain the hurt I felt when I asked her and found out she wasn't a virgin. (I do give her credit for being 100% honest with me - she always has been) I almost broke up with her right there, but there is something inside of me that feels I should forgive her if she truly made a mistake. However, I don't want to regret sacrificing my morals in 10 years.

I can see she regrets it - especially when she sees how hurt I am over it. This other guy lied about his sexual history to her (he told her the truth afterwards) and she thought it was love. She says it was only physical and not emotional and that sex with me after marriage would not even come close to comparing to what she had done with this guy on a physically only level.

I always prayed that I would not have to choose between marrying a non-virgin that I love and breaking off the relationship because of her past...Well, here I am...

I told her if we are to stay together there will be no sex until (if) we get married and she is fine with that. She REALLY believes I am the one for her. I would devastate her if I broke up with her simply because she is not a virgin - I think she has suffered the results of her actions enough already and maybe I need to forgive.

I think she COULD BE the one for me, but I keep thinking about how cheated I feel sometimes. I told her that, and she said she feels cheated, too... and she would go back and change it in a second, but she can't... She has been really good about answering my questions and giving me the time/space to think about this.

If I decide I cannot marry her over this issue, I need to tell her that now to be fair to her. Part of my "gut" tells me not to lose such a great girl over this... Maybe I need to make an exception and forgive? While another part of me is scared to marry a non-virgin and feels that is being unfaithful to God to do so. I guess I always figured that God would "save me" a virgin.... If I break it off with her over this, I wonder if I will always regret it.

I asked her if she appreciates the fact that I am a virgin. She said she appreciates it even more now because it was so hard to do that she couldn't.

ANSWER: In a message dated 12-4-1998 10:17:38 PM, you wrote:

<<I don't want to regret sacrificing my morals in 10 years.>>

There are two statements you've made that I want to challenge you on. One is quoted above and the other is "While another part of me is scared to marry a non-virgin and feels that is being unfaithful to God to do so." I can't say it's scriptural to say that marrying a non-virgin is being unfaithful to God. I certainly understand YOUR desire to have someone who has saved herself, but I disagree that you'll be sacrificing your morals based on the other person's PAST. That's the key word. It's in her PAST. Yeah it stinks that she's been there before, but that is just one of the many kinds of sin that you BOTH have committed and BOTH have been totally forgiven for. [I hate to sound uncompassionate, but I'm pretty sure that you are not without sin.] So I really think in terms of the forgiveness department you need to give her as much grace as you possibly can. You could break up with this girl and find yourself a virgin, but that won't make her a great wife.

...when I was in college I had a boyfriend with a sexual past and he told me everything, lots of facts about who and how often. After that, when I began dating my husband, I knew he had a past, but I decided it would be much easier not to know how many and who. So I have not gotten into it. He knows how I feel about it, and we've dealt with it as much as possible. It's not like I am without sexual sin just because I never had sex. Scripturally, even if you lust in your heart after someone, you have just as much as slept with her and are just as much in need of forgiveness. So in terms of guilt it's no better, but in terms of consequences, that's a different story. One time we both wrote down on a piece of paper the names of all the people we had feelings of guilt about going too far with, and [not showing them to each other] we prayed together for forgiveness, and then we burned the paper to show that it is done, in the past, and we were moving ahead without looking back.

During our dating, that's all we could do regarding dealing with his past. I didn't realize some of the pain of marrying a person with a sexual past when I had personally abstained until we were actually getting married...First of all, the intercourse hasn't really been affected. [Incidentally, if she only did it 6 or so times, then when she is with you, it could very well be like her first time. That's not even close to enough to get used to it.] As for my husband, I know that I'm the first person he's been in love with, and before for him it was unemotional with the others, so he tells me it's completely different and I believe him.

[There have been times when I have gotten upset when I think about the fact that he's been there with someone else before. Someone else who has done these things for him. It has been intimidating at times wondering what he has to compare me to. First of all, that's just the enemy trying to destroy my marriage. Second of all, we dated long enough that by the time we were married I'm sure it had to have been a while since he had had sex. So I have to honestly say, yes, it has been a source of stress, I think more for me than for him and as a result there have been occasions that our physical relationship has been affected. However, we love each other and I just have to give myself time to get used to it. On his side, he is just dealing with the consequences of his past sexual sin. I have forgiven him, but the consequences still live on.]...Sex is such a small part of the marriage, and despite the difficulty I just shared with you, things are wonderful. He is good for me and good to me. And above all else, I'm positive he is the one God gave to me.

Something else I want to challenge you on, what makes you think you are worthy of someone who meets a certain standard in terms of purity? I understand the grieving involved in being with someone who has crossed that line when you haven't, I've been through it. So I say this in love as someone who has been there, get off of your little pedestal and humble yourself. You've got nothing on this woman, you are not above her. You've kept yourself pure, that's wonderful and you will be blessed for it, but it does not make you a better person. You are just as soiled, perhaps in different areas, but just as soiled none-the-less. Odds are there will be several times in the future when she will need to forgive you of some transgression and you will be hoping for her to have grace in her heart toward you. If she is as wonderful as all the things you've said, then I TOTALLY say forgive her, chalk this up as something you will work through together, put it in your past and don't bring it up to her again. Nothing in life is perfect.

I hope I haven't been too harsh. Please know that was not at all my heart, I do empathize. But it's now time for you to work on getting over it. I respect your purity and I pray that the Lord will bless your future and your marriage. Again, know that everything I've said has been in love. I truly do understand the pain of what you're dealing with."

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HOW CAN I HELP MY KIDS?

Q: "I have a teenager who is in a steady dating relationship. I have have become aware of some physical intimacy which goes beyond what I believe to be appropriate. I am very concerned and have discussed it with both my child and their steady, but I believe they are more sorry they got caught than sorry for going too far. Do you have any advice about how to help my teenager?"

A: There are several suggestions I have for you: 1. Your Spiritual authority 2. spiritual warfare praying 3. Josh McDowell material 4. Affirming your daughter and her boyfriend's ability to make correct choices. 5. Courtship vs Dating

1. First, you sound like you are mature in your faith, in that you've been able to talk to the kids about their behavior, relate it to Scripture, and pray with them. It was years before I felt comfortable praying with my daughters. So you are already doing great!!

Do you understand your Spiritual Authority as her mother? In other words, the devil is a DEFEATED FOE, Jesus has ALREADY WON the victory, and delegated to us, the authority he won, over evil and disobedience. I have prayed for my own daughters like this: "In the precious name of your son Jesus, Father I ask you to bring back to my daughter's remembrance, your WORD, which is able to keep her from falling. As her mother I plead the blood of the risen Christ upon her, and I place this blood between my daughter and the enemy's designs against her. I command the enemy to keep silent to her and her boyfriend, in the name of Jesus." (this is a sample not all I would pray) I learned a great deal from this book: THE ADVERSARY by Mark Bubeck.

2. From this book, I also learned about WARFARE PRAYING. He has written out prayers in this book, which I prayed from my heart as I read, and learned as I went along. I've learned that we Christians are in a war, & most of us don't even realize it, nor what to do about it. We should be the most fearless people on the face of the earth. We need to learn how to APPROPRIATE what Christ won for us on the cross. We are NOT VICTIMS of the devil. He knows who Christ is, and trembles when we pray because he knows he is defeated.

3. I can't tell you a title, but if you will go to your Christian book store & ask for the Josh McDowell section, I read a book years ago, by him, which was very instructive for teens in this very area of remaining abstinent, and which reaches them where they're at.......

There is also a book which I just purchased for one of the teens I'm mentoring, written by Neil Anderson, and a young man who is in charge of a huge ministry for teens, I think it's Teen Mania (that's the name of the organization, I'm sorry I don't have the title of the book but it teaches kids their authority in Christ, teaches them spiritual warfare, etc.) . We use Neil Anderson's materials FREEDOM IN CHRIST, in our Christian Reformed Church. Rather than just casting out demons, it teaches folks their authority in Christ, so they can get FREE (and stay free), by leading them through 7 STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST. Our Pastor just preached thru these 7 steps. And there's a booklet maybe 15 pages long about 8" x 11" entitled 7 STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST, which we give to folks/ guide them thru, which covers such things as any contact one has had KNOWINGLY OR UNKNOWINGLY with things like Tarot cards, fortune tellers, if a person was a victim of sexual abuse, was ever hypnotized, etc. etc. a check list, and then leads them thru repentance, renouncing, and making the committment to God..... I recommend these materials.

There is also a new book out by Gary Smalley & his son, Greg, that would be valuable for you to read, about teens adopting your values as their own, rather than just doing what you say because you insist they do...........so that the values BECOME THEIR VALUES. Then, they can stand up to peer pressure, and avoid temptation. There is also an excellent book I believe by Gary Smalley THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN. We hug & kiss our babies, we tickle them, lots of healthy touches. As they get older we no longer do these things, but we all need healthy touches every day.......many people have no one to just hug them & make them feel special, teens included. This book explains how to meet our teen's needs so they don't have to go looking for love in the wrong places.

4. One of the things that kept me virgin until I was married, was my Dad's belief in me. He let me know that he trusted my good sense, he affirmed that he had confidence in my ability to make correct choices (given correct information), and it would have killed me to disappoint him. Had I yielded to temptation, and gotten pregnant, I know he would have hugged me, stood by me, & loved me thru it.

I know from experience, that we tend to live up to others' expectations of us........by all means, make your expectations that of correct behavior on their part, and let them know that you will guide and assist them in KEEPING that correct behavior by committing to supervise their time together so that they are NEVER, under any circumstances, for ANY length of time, left alone in your home, nor should they be, in his home. In a "trusting" way, you need to keep them accountable to you, not in a way that would make them go behind your back, nor push them away from you. So it's a matter of your adopting an attitude of " you kids are good kids, you know what is right, AND I'm going to HELP you by doing this & that..........." An example would be to have a friend or relative fill in for you when you can't be at home. So & so will be dropping by, or will be driving you, etc. so they always have that feeling & evidence of SUPERVISION & not ever being left alone. Doors are kept open to their rooms, family room, etc.

Many teens today, make this pledge, to sexual purity until marriage, at such things as a "Love Can Wait" Rally. The parents give their daughter a ring. Her acceptance of this ring, and signing an agreement, indicates HER committment to this. She then gives her husband-to-be, this ring, as part of their wedding ceremony. Very wonderful. The young man is taught that it is his DUTY, PRIVILEGE, AND HONOR, to PROTECT WITH EVERY FIBER OF HIS BEING, this young woman's sexual purity, whether or not, he ever ends up marrying her. Which brings me to...

5. COURSHIP vs. DATING: There is a movement in this country toward going back to COURTSHIP. I believe many of those Christians who are Homeschooling, are teaching their children about this. There are books about Courtship, and how to go about it. I need to read more. In essence, it's the very thing I was talking about in #4, where the children are brought up with the instruction in courtship. First of all, I myself believe that "dating" is not a Christian activity......that teens should not be dating, they should be doing group activities, having fun as a group. Kids are forced to grow up far too fast. I believe we need to take the pressure off kids, and lots of them indicate they appreciate being taught HOW TO SAY NO, and not having to worry about getting pregnant. They also need to have FACTUAL information about Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD's) of which Herpes & Aides are only the very tip of the iceberg. Genital warts, gonorrhea, syphilis, on & on the horrors go.........are very much alive & well today. Most kids only hear about AIDS & HERPES.

In most cultures all over this world, young women are chaperoned until the day they're married. They are never left alone in the company of a young man. There is wisdom in this. Personally, I'd think that given a choice, understanding that in courtship a young woman's honor will be PROTECTED BY HER PARENTS, and GUARDED BY HER BROTHERS, OR ANY YOUNG MEN SHE ASSOCIATES WITH, would make that young lady feel very very special, and would be a most favorable position for her to be in. Why would she NOT want this?!"

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WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABSTINENT, IS IT TOO LATE FOR US?

Q: "Over the past year, I have been seeking a better relationship with God. I am...in college. I have known since high school that something was missing in my life, but it wasn't until I met my boyfriend that I knew it was religion. My boyfriend was a virgin when we met, but I wasn't. I had slept with three guys, who were all my boyfriends and who I thought I loved. I had a very bad relationship with my last boyfriend, he was emotionally and sexually abusive. ...My current boyfriend, was a breath of fresh air. He didn't care that I had slept with other people and freely admitted that he was a virgin. We started dating last January and everything was wonderful. I had never been so in love. He respected me, which is the first time a guy really had. And so, I began to respect myself. We fell head over heels in love with each other...

After dating for five months, we had sex. We had both been receiving a lot of pressure from our friends and we had a lot of desire for each other. Because I had not really been introduced to the error of my ways and I thought that premarital sex was okay. When the summer rolled around, he and I had a serious discussion about not having sex anymore. He felt he was ruining his relationship with God. Although I understood, I was really hurt and felt like he was rejecting me. Our promise didn't last too long and in October, we ended up having the same discussion to no avail. We never really stopped having sex, even though we knew it was wrong.

Now that this summer has rolled around, we have decided to make the same pledge again. We discussed it and feel that it is time. We have also decided to get baptized together in two weeks. That was the biggest influence. Because we're taking such a big religious step together, we felt it was high time for a change in habit. We haven't yet decided what the limit will be, but we feel that God will let us know in our hearts what is right.

Our relationship with each other is perfect, except for sex. We have sinned for a year and now we want to stop and make it right. We love each other so much, now we want to love the Lord. We also feel that if we obey God, he will indulge our hearts desires. We both have plans to go to graduate school, but we don't know where we'll end up or if we will be able to stay together. We want nothing more than to stay together because our relationship is so great. I guess our hope is that if we begin to obey the Lord, then what he wants for us will become evident, whether we are meant to be together or what.

I just need some advice. Being a good Christian is so new to me. I know that the Lord will forgive us of our sins if we repent, but what if it was a continuing sin? Is it too late for us to try to make our relationship holy? We know that our relationship is in no way based on the physical, but where should we draw the line? We love each other, now we just need help to love God... or at least I do. Help!"

A: "...I respect that you have not given up on shifting your relationship with your boyfriend to being abstinent. You wrote: "I just need some advice. Being a good Christian is so new to me. I know that the Lord will forgive us of our sins if we repent, but what if it was a continuing sin? "

I don't want to make it sound like it's okay just to keep sinning, but ALL sin is covered by grace, even continuing sin. Our motivation to stop sinning should be out of love for God and a desire to obey for that reason, not fear of condemnation.

"Is it too late for us to try to make our relationship holy?"

Definitely not. God can redeem it if he so chooses, but you must be committed to obedience even if He chooses to end your relationship also. It's better to let God choose your mate than to hold on to who you're with. If you 2 are meant to be together, congratulations, you'll be spared of much heartache. The real issue is not God redeeming your relationship, but God redeeming you both as individuals.

The most important thing you and your boyfriend can do is to pray together every day. My husband and I started that about 6 months before we were married (almost a year ago) and we have continued since then. I hope we never let that go. It's the single most valuable act of our relationship. So if you want to succeed in abstaining, then a necessary part is to PRAY TOGETHER. That's one thing.

Think of your spiritual growth like you do about getting a college degree. You don't just decide you want to have a degree and then suddenly, you're there. You have to spend years of going to class every day, studying, working, paying the dues. At the end of the course, you have built a pool of knowledge that you could only gain a little at a time. And really the education doesn't end there, because then you go out, you start to work, and with each experience you get more and more solid in your knowledge and wisdom. It's the same with knowing God personally and walking in obedience. Just because you decide you want to walk in obedience, doesn't mean you can just snap your fingers and do it. You need to allow yourself to build your spiritual foundation one brick at a time, daily. It's the same with dieting, exercise... they all happen a little bit every day. If you were trying to be a champion weight lifter, you would expect to have to slowly build your muscles. That's physical and tangible, but our FAITH is the same in terms of growth. Some things can only be accomplished with time. That's the only way to truly develop a solid base for living a godly life. As we mature and become more familiar with God, he expects more from us. So sometimes, something that may not have been a sin in your early years as a Christian will later be a point of conviction because the Holy Spirit is urging you toward a greater level of obedience. (But sex outside of marriage is pretty much a sin from the start as long as you are a Christian.)

So, you need to make a daily commitment to building your faith. What that consists of is daily time studying the scripture, and daily time in prayer. I cannot recommend highly enough the Bible study called "Experiencing God". I am someone who was raised going to church, I always believed in God, and got really serious about it when I was 15. So by the time I was in my mid twenties, it wasn't often that a spiritual message or study was revolutionary to my thinking, but "Experiencing God" was. It is excellent. Go in any Christian bookstore, and they should have it. You and your boyfriend could each get this book and do it together, or with a small group. It's a serious commitment, but... you won't come out of it unchanged.

Another thing you should pray about is going on some sort of fast. This doesn't always need to be fasting from food, although that's good. One time...God convicted me about turning my head to different types of sin in my life, things that didn't seem too serious, like participating in less than edifying conversation, watching questionable TV or movies etc. So, I felt led to go on a secular media fast. I started, not knowing how long I'd go with it, but I didn't watch any TV, or listen to secular music, or read any secular literature. That ended up lasting 6 weeks. I can't tell you how that impacted me. I was amazed at the difference in my thoughts each day as I drove, and at the content of my conversations. Or you and your boyfriend could go on a fast from something else, like a "physical affection" fast. Replace your normal cuddle time with prayer and reading the Bible together. This may sound odd, but you'll get comfortable with it after a little while if you're not comfortable to start with. Pray together about this, and God will speak to you about what he wants.

...please prepare yourself that God may use a geographical separation of you two in order to work in your relationship. My husband and I lived in separate states for over 2 years before we got married. Our relationship changed dramatically during that time, it was crucial for both of us to have that independence and define ourselves before we were together. Otherwise, we would have potentially been too dependent on one another instead of on the Lord, and the dynamics of our relationship would not be as good...

One other thing you should both do is make yourself accountable to a trusted Christian friend. That's a yucky one because if you're like me, you'll be tempted to just maintain the necessary appearances, yet sneak around and do what you want. But you must ask yourself who are you doing this for? Your friends? Not really. Ultimately, you're doing it for God, and he knows everything, so you can't hide it from Him. But having to face a trusted friend with the truth can be a motivating factor to keep yourself in check..."

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IS MASTURBATION A SIN?

Q: "I'm 14 and I'm just wondering is masturbation a sin?"

A: You asked if masturbation is a sin. Well, you don't exactly ask the easiest question. First of all, I'll tell you right off, I have never personally had any experience with masturbation, I always grew up assuming it was wrong. But I'm a woman, and I've got a good guy friend who's a Christian who says it's different for men and that there's a physiological need for the release. I can't comment on that because I don't know. Some do think it's a sin, and I'm sure that for some people it is if they find themselves struggling with fantasizing about other women. The Bible does say that if you even think about having sex with a woman, you've just as much as done it, meaning it's a sin outside of marriage. So to that extent, there is scripture. So if masturbation includes looking at magazines of women or men and fantasizing etc., then yes, I would deduce that it is a sin.

However, there may be occasions where God allows it, for instance if someone is trying to keep from sexual sin, and they feel they need to relieve that drive on their own so they can maintain self control with their significant other. And there may be seasons where it may not be a sin for someone if they are young in their faith, but then after a certain period of maturing God expects more from them, and he begins a work in their heart which convicts them about something they previously never thought about.

The bottom line is, if you have a relationship with God, and you are striving to live in obedience to him, then he can convict your heart about what is a sin. You need to seek him and ask. If it is a sin, then he will give you the strength to overcome. My site does have a link to a site called "Overcoming Masturbation" on my abstinence related links page, if you feel this is something you need to break free from.

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